Mandala Enterprises

Relationship Coaching

Some Tools for Dealing with Jealousy in Yourself

Personal Jealousy Picture / Jealousy Pie

Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse: (510) 464-4652

Picture your jealousy as a pie, what is the dominant emotion you experience?

Fear/Anxiety? Anger/Rage? Sadness/Despair?

Break down the other emotions involved in your jealousy – e.g.,

Betrayal, frustration, envy, coveting, loneliness, ownership, self-blame/self-anger, etc.

Assign percentage values to the emotions to equal 100% - e.g.,

Fear – 50%, sadness – 30%, hopelessness – 20%

Find the "root" if there is one:

Often these feelings are provoked from something in the past
Is the reaction because of a past situation, or is there actual danger?

Determine and ask for what you need, e.g.,

Do you need assurance that you won't be left out?
Do you need to meet the partner first?
Do you need your partner not to wear that special outfit you gave them? etc.

Trance Rehearsal

With thanks to Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse: (510) 464-4652

Get in trance by whatever method works for you
Envision the situation on a TV screen
Press the pause button at moments of difficulty
Problem-solve about how to handle it
Release the pause button, and do it again, this time with a new, successful pattern
Once you’ve rehearsed it all the way through in your mind successfully, you’ll be prepared for the tricky parts, and more likely to make it through successfully in real life
Note that many people are surprised at which parts actually do and do not make them jealous

Invoke Your Parasympathetic Nervous System

With thanks to Angela DiTenebre: edukink@yahoo.com

Since jealousy happens mostly in the sympathetic nervous system, and since the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems are largely incompatible, feelings of jealousy can be mitigated by invoking the parasympathetic nervous system:

Deep breathing (e.g., “count to 10”)
Smiling
Positive eye contact
Face Massage
PEA (phenylethylamine) – chocolate!
Deep listening to music (not background)
Fairly intense exercise for at least 20-30 minutes (releases endorphins)

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)—Self-Tapping Method

http://www.emdr.com/

In 1987, Francine Shapiro discovered that eye movements across the midline of the face could be helpful in reducing her own emotional charge around negative events. She went on to create EMDR, an extremely powerful technique that, in the hands of a trained professional, has been proven useful in treating many serious challenges, including PTSD. Although we cannot recommend the use of this full technique by anyone not fully trained, there is a fairly simple method by which one can use a variation on oneself, to reduce emotional charge and allow one to better assess the situation in a more rational frame of mind.

Sit comfortably.
Close eyes.
Cross arms over chest, comfortably resting one hand on each shoulder.
Create a sense of being in the triggering event. This should consist of a “freeze frame” image of the triggering event, and a “self-referential statement” (e.g., “I will be all alone” or “I am powerless”). Recreate the physical and emotional sensations as much as possible. This can feel alarming, but that’s a normal response at this stage.
Very important: Hold onto this combination of feeling and remembering while doing the exercise (You may have multiple triggering events; start with the oldest one first).
Begin alternately tapping the fronts of your shoulders with the right and left hands.
Optional: To increase efficacy, do this at a slow enough pace so that you can move your eyes back and forth as well, “looking” at each hand as you tap and hold the scene and feelings in your mind (this can be done with the eyes closed).
Know that while you do this, it may become harder to be present to the feelings. That’s OK. There may even be a sense of confusion, that’s also OK. Just hold onto the scene as best you can for as long as you can. Keep noticing how the feelings about it change.

Or try “juggling for idiots”—toss one ball from hand to hand, tracking with your eyes, focusing on issues.