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Mandala Enterprises
Relationship Coaching
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“Jealousy”:
Some reasons why we fear our
partner connecting with others
Sometimes it’s easier to deal with feelings if
you can better define why you are
feeling that way. This is a list (in no particular order) of reasons that we
may fear our partner connecting with others.
Note that these feelings can apply to all sorts of relationships, not
just love- or romantic relationships, e.g., with children, between siblings and
friends, at work, etc. This list was
generated out of several discussion groups, and we’re always happy to take new
suggestions. Let us know if there’s something you feel is missing!
1. Fear of loss
a. Relationship
as a whole
b. Partner
spending the energy on someone else that YOU invested in the relationship
c. Partner's
time (e.g., romantic, household contributions, “dailiness”; esp. important for
Quality Time people)
d. Sex (esp. if
discomfited partner has higher sex drive)
e. Other
connection (especially if partner is physically there, but mentally “checked
out”)
f. Loss of
value, including “specialness”
g. Loss of
control of your environment to the new person
h. Loss of
community/face (religious, bi/straight)
i. Loss of
role in other people’s lives
2. Fear of the unknown
a. Not knowing
the other partner
b. Relationship
will change in unexpected ways
c. Fear of
Complexity or Drama
d. How has/will
this new person change our relationship dynamic?
e. How
has/will my partner change under this person's influence?
f. Other
unknowns
3. Safety issues
a. Safer sex
issues (not sure I'll be safe if they play)
b. Undue
influence of “outsiders” (esp. in family matters)
c. Fear of
being “outed”; loss of reputation in work or other communities
d. Lack of
control of pace/progression/depth of relationship
4. Lack of models (e.g., I don’t know how this could work)
5. Inequality
a. esp. if one
partner is an extrovert, introvert may feel "left out"
b. Feeling
outnumbered (e.g., the only Mono amongst a
c. Gender
(e.g., in an FMF triad, the guy can feel “ganged up on” with increased
connection between the two women)
6. Envy (I want some too!)
7. Self-esteem issues (e.g., “now that they have them, they don’t need ME”)
8. Trust issues
a.
Lack of good
judgment (in either partner, or new person)
b.
Perceived
inappropriate choice of partner: Knowing the new partner, and not liking
some aspect of their history. What if I just don't like this new person?
c.
Concern over the
new partner's possible agenda
d.
Feeling the new
relationship is being used to avoid an issue in the existing relationship
9. Confusion about Roles
a.
What is my place
and purpose in the face of shifting relationships?
b.
Information/Intimacy
overlap—fear of partner sharing inappropriate or “private” information with
another.
10. Competition
a. With the new partner(s)
b. Having to
keep up with your “poly neighbors”
11. Exclusion/Marginalization
a. Fear of insignificance
b. Falling prey to gender stereotypes
c. Feeling “disrespected”
d. Feeling unheard/unseen by partner or partner’s OSO
e. Being branded “too emotional”
f. Being taken for granted and/or relegated to the “ordinary” while
new partner gets all
the goodies
g. Being relegated to the “outer circle” looking in / Feeling
excluded
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Kathy Labriola’s 4-Part Jealousy Model
- Must want something, or have something you fear
losing – a perceived loss can be as strong a reaction as true loss
- Your perception must be that someone else wants
the same thing
- You must believe there’s a scarcity of that
resource
- You must believe that you’d lose in a competition
All 4 must be present, or it’s not jealousy, though it
could be envy.