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Mandala Enterprises
Relationship Coaching
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Navigating Jealousy:
Understanding and
Dealing with the Complex of Emotions We Call Jealousy
Introduction
Tools for dealing with Jealousy
Understanding the nature of jealousy
· What is jealousy? [green H.O.]
· Feelings are true, but they aren’t The Truth
· Examining what beliefs get in the way of letting go of jealousy
· How relationship dynamics contribute to jealousy
Tools for use between partners
- Love Languages [blue H.O.]
- Appreciation for the efforts made
- Appreciations Exercise [blue H.O.]
- Direct requests, asking specifically for what you need
- Sharing withholdings and projections
- However, jealous
partner dictates level of communication – be careful of
- Remember: The other is not out to get you or get something from you
- Positive experiences, building a “sense of abundance”
- Baby steps!
Tools for use on oneself
Tips and easy things to try
- Speaking the fear reduces its power
- Honest self assessment
- Self soothing, including self loving/empathizing – you are not bad for having these feelings
- Self forgiving – we all make mistakes sometimes
- Keep a mood log, and note what patterns trigger the jealousy – maybe you can avoid those
- Brainstorming about options – make a list of things you can do. Post them where you can see them!
- Maintaining self-care routines, e.g., daily exercise, massage, hot baths, girls/guys night out
- Project a happy outcome: Intentionally invoke compersion – your partner’s happiness increases your own
- Realize that jealousy is often spurred by fear of change, and that one’s interpretation of change is subjective. Change does not have to be bad! Envision the ways that this change could be positive to you, and remind yourself of them when you are feeling jealous
- Remember: You are not a victim! Taking your power reduces feelings of jealousy
Systems and tools to learn [yellow H.O.]
- Personal Jealousy Picture / “Jealousy Pie” – Breakdown
of emotions making up your jealousy picture
- Trance Rehearsal
- Invoke the parasympathetic nervous system
- Self-tapping method of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
Advanced tools for use with trained practitioners [see yellow H.O. for list]
Personal growth/Self development [front
of salmon H.O.]
Tools for the non-jealous
partner
· Realize it’s not about you; it’s about your partner’s need for safety, value, etc. (QTIP)
· Be willing to compromise, negotiate, support your partner through baby steps and time-limited agreements
· Take the long view – giving a little now will probably mean getting more later
· Get support from friends, other lovers, therapists, etc. – but NOT from the jealous partner!
· Review all the reasons that you love your partner, even though they may be temporarily insane from jealousy; write them down and post them if necessary
· Appreciations exercise – it’s at least as much for the speaker as the recipient! [blue H.O.]
Sure-fire ways to make things worse [back of salmon H.O.]
Evaluating the relationship as you work with the jealousy
…Or, when is completing/transitioning a relationship a
possibility or the best option?
· When they are not operating in good faith (e.g., repeated broken agreements with no apparent intention to change)
·
When they are not “trying” (i.e., trying new
things, new ways of looking a it, or even just continuing
to try at all)
· Complete failure to make or keep agreements, despite direct requests and multiple attempts – e.g., “Bill” just never getting around to changing the sheets
· Possibly when mental illness and/or addiction prevents change (consult an expert)
· What if something toxic really is going on? How to distinguish fantasy from reality (get outside help)
Where are we now?
- Compersive, family-supportive intimate network
- Other Significant Others (OSOs) doing childcare, helping in business
- We survived – you can too!